I have demons in me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
