Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
