I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
