I think scott just propositioned me for sex
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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