Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
