I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
