His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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