Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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