So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
