On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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