My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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