How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Hippo gnu deer
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
