Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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