so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize