i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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