this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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