dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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