some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
