He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
