Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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