Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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