I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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