I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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