Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
