My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
