If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
