The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
