I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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