woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
there is puke in my bra ... again
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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