She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did I show you my penis last night?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
