I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
