she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
