I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
