make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
