I need help removing her.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
