there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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