Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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