I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You are the jesus of drinking
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
