I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
