im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
