Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
