I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
