3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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