so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
