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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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