Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
