My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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