I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
