So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
high people should be assigned attendants
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
