You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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