I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
