hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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