I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
