I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
