foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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