I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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