If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
