dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
