i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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