Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
