omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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