I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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