I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
