he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
