She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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