Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize