We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
